Monday, October 22, 2012

I Want to Die

Sounds awful to say it, but it is not negative at all. I was charged with having “dark thoughts” by some. But they are very bright thoughts. Truth is, I want to go to heaven. I really feel I am at the end of my useful life. If I was a can of peaches you would not buy me.

Paul led the way, by saying he wanted to be with Christ.

Indulge me while I thank people who make me want to go on. Kymber started my whole blog and for quite a time entered my stories. She has ever been an inspiration to me. Jane of Virginia has given me so much encouragement. I cannot thank her enough. A man who described himself as an “old man with an old Bible” helps a lot. It is what I am, too.

I do not wish to leave my friends, whom I love so much. I do not even wish to leave my cat who cuddles up with me at night. Guess I want to be where sorrow is no more. Too much has ganged up on me. A mostly wasted life, too many graves and lives ended so soon. Jimmy, who jumped off the tar wagon with me, once jumped into a raging stream when I slipped.

He put his arm around me until I could climb out. Now he is gone. Things haunt you when you become old. A sparkling stone my wife Janie picked up in a mountain stream is still on her desk, but she is gone. My body is failing. After all, at my age, what would I expect?

Hours before she died my wife told me to go home. She knew I was very tired. She was wearing a little cap. Her tangling hair was shaved off. We had talked about how death might feel. I had come very close.

Abdominal cramps, then the lights go out. You come to, ringed with concerned nurses and doctors. They test your memory to see if any brain damage has occurred. But Janie was waiting for a voice to call to her, “Come up here." So am I. Her last words to me as she leaned on one elbow, “See you soon.”

I knew what she meant. She was dead a few hours later.

- Gerald Franz, The Last Robin


  1. Dearest Uncle...and can you believe that you are my ONLY Uncle??? i have no other Uncles to ask for guidance, direction and instruction. how sad for my J that he has none either?

    we need you. i completely understand what Janie meant. and i understand your want to be with Christ - of course you want to be with him. but just make sure to paint your barn in Heaven the proper shade of red ok? promise me? bahahahahahahahaha! i couldn't help myself, Dear Uncle!

    i love that you signed YOUR name. i love your name. i always have. it has always felt familiar. i love you, Uncle Gerald!

    your niece,

  2. Dearest Gerald,
    I understand reaching a point where you know longer feel sufficiently functional to continue, where so many of the people you love are already in Heaven. I understand reaching that tipping point where the weight and reality of Heaven becomes more clear and more real than the life we as men or as women, have crafted here on Earth. I too have hovered near death, and even longed for it after my youngest son passed so unexpectedly. However, Our Father in Heaven has a detailed and an ordered plan. Each of the people we touch and things we say and do here, ripple on Earth to those around us, and we change the Earth forever. Why, two more weeks here may touch the lives of nurses, patients, and people like me, always and forever during our time on Earth.
    Jesus will call you and I when he calls, just as he did my dear father, and my beloved Daniel. Until he does, I will continue to pray for you, and read your tremendously moving posts. I send hugs and loving thoughts on this Autumn day as the dust from the leaves places tears in my eyes, in part from allergies, and in part, from something else.